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This is Your Brain, This is Your Brain on 24

April 28, 2009

I know, I know. Expecting a season of 24 to make any kind of sense is like expecting Ozzy Ozbourne to give a lecture on theoretical physics.

“The terrorists have a bomb! They got it from the North Koreans! It’s all a plot by Serbs to assasinate the President! There’s a woman with poison hands! And a jet plane! And Jack’s brother is behind it all! And a conspiracy of white guys in suits who talk on cell phones and want to steal everyone’s oil! Also the Chinese!”

Maybe it’s because I rarely bothered sitting through an entire Season of 24. Still 24 is unique, if only because its writers and producers clearly don’t think past a single episode and write everything at night while overdosed on Ambien. “No I’m not guilty of running over 3 people with my Volvo, mutilating a kangaroo and writing an episode of 24… I was on Ambien.”

Still when your show makes much less sense than your average amateurishly produced web series, maybe it’s time to start thinking things through.

On this thrill a minute season of 24, Blackwater or Starkwood kidnaps a scientist to develop a CIP device that can destroy half of America’s infrastructure, and trades it to an African warlord for a WMD that can kill less than 1/10th that many people. But wait this makes even less! Since Starkwood wants to threaten to use the WMD in order to stop a Senate investigation of his company for unethical behavior.

Now that obviously makes a lot of sense. I mean when you’re waving around WMD’s, nobody’s gonna be investigating your ethics anymore. They’re going to be nuking you from orbit.

This entire plot made so little damn sense, that the writers had the President tell Jonas Hodges that he probablyhad a mental breakdown when he came up with this stupid plot. This is a great retcon for explaining that plot, and virtually every ridiculously overcomplicated plot on 24. But it doesn’t tell us that the writers only came up with the plot because they had a nervous breakdown.

Meanwhile Tony birdogs Jack for most of the season and helps him bring down Starkwood, but just to grab the WMD. This involves Tony pretending to be a triple agent, just to get something that the Evil Cabal of Corporations could have just gotten in five minutes by threatening Jonas’ family.

Yeah I know the entire Evil Cabal of Corporations all had nervous breakdowns too. And Tony.

Meanwhile they did it all to get their hands on what is probably the world’s worst WMD, which takes about 6 hours to make you sweat and have spasms. I think they could have gotten a better WMD by ordering for it in the back of a comic book, right next to the X-Ray glasses. But this is what happens when you get discount WMD’s from African warlords, who can’t defend their own country… but can take over the White House.

(I would ask when General Juma had time to get on a plane and come to America, but I’m guessing the answer is that Time and Space had nervous breakdowns too.)

All the while the Evil Cabal of Corporations is planning to use a Muslim terrorist to carry out an attack that will kill lots of people in D.C. At which point they will somehow take power, because that’s how the American system of government works! There’s a terrorist attack and when the President dies, the next in line of succession is a bunch of corporations.

Based on the ending of last night’s episode, they couldn’t actually find a Muslim terrorist that actually wants to kill Americans, so they’re going to force some random Pakistani guy to go do it by taking his brother hostage. Maybe it’s just me, but this Evil Cabal of Corporations doesn’t seem very competent.

Oh but I’m sure this will all be really exciting as Jack rushes to stop a terrorist, while fighting off a deadly no-cure biological weapon that can be stopped with the equivalent of insulin shots and whose worst symptoms are seizures and premature senility.

Luckily there’s an explanation for all this non-stop parade of retardness. It’s simple really. Brannon Braga of Star Trek Voyager and Enterprise now writes for the show. Also Manny Cotto’s brother. Any more questions? I didn’t think so.

Enjoy the rest of the season.

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One Comment leave one →
  1. May 8, 2009 8:34 pm

    None of it makes any sense right now, especially the stuff with Tony. I really hope there is a good explanation for what he is doing and that they are not just turning him into a one-dimensional villain after building up his character over 7 seasons.

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