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I Watched the Battlestar Galactica Series Finale and it made me Retarded

March 22, 2009

Thank you Ron Moore.

Five years of running a SciFi series into the ground ended with two hours. Watching the extended pile of flashbacks set to sentimental New Age music you call a series finale brought that to an end. At least until Caprica airs, and dies horribly, along with the minds of the last deluded fanboys who still think your remake was some staggering work of transcendent genius.

Well you sure showed them.

I watched Daybreak Part 2, and every 15 minutes of it made me more and more retarded. First Adama, the XO, both of the Fleet’s Presidents, and half the useful officers, including the original Final 5, go off on a suicide mission to rescue a little girl. Cute.

Sure it seems like Cylons and humans can have kids anyway, but Adama decides to take everyone down to rescue her, and leaves Gaeta’s boyfriend in command, and makes him Admiral on top of that. Because apparently everyone in the fleet loves and respects him, something that happened while we weren’t looking.

As startling as the sight of humans fighting Cylons is for the first time in many years on the show, this brief diversion from the usual BSG storyline of the characters getting drunk, remembering the good times and yelling at each other is only brief.

Instead we soon head for Earth, the real Earth, or Earth 2. There Adama Jr decides we should break the cycle of violence by giving up all technology and living in caves. Because you know technology is evil. First you invent spaceships, then you invent evil robots and it all goes to hell from here.  A point driven home by the conclusion in modern day New York City that ominously plays Bear’s reworked Dylan while kids stare at useless Japanese toy robots.

Oh no! Can’t you foolish Japanese people see you’ve doomed the species all over again by building toy robots that fearsomely clap their hands!

Of course even though the Fleet constantly rebels against the Adamas, this time everyone embraces the plan, even though it means living without basic hygiene or elementary medicine. Because I guess everyone in the fleet is down with having lots of dead babies and a lifespan that ends at 40, in order to have a clean slate.

And technology is bad. That is unless you want to fly your girlfriend around to look at some flamingos while you propose to her. Otherwise it’s BAD. Real bad.

And you know what ends the cycle of violence? Going back to a stone age society and resource scarcities. Because it’s technology that kills people, not people.

BSG isn’t unique in its Luddite approach. It’s just an insult to call Luddite New Age crap like this Science Fiction. Science Fiction was about imagining the possibilities. BSG is about ignoring the possibilities and flying your starships into the sun, and looking cheerfully at stretches of grass that are somehow free of predators and diseases that will kill you the moment you try to drink some standing water. That kind of retarded luddism is what Hollywood producers who think their spa getaways are a return to nature bring to the party.

Oh look, let me go put up a cabin. No need to worry, I won’t drop a log on my foot, develop a gangrene infection and die because I’m miles from help and I flew all my raptors into the sun. No, because I’m from Hollywood.

Of course if all that retardation wasn’t enough, for years now Battlestar Galactica was busy promising to explain all its “mysteries”. And then comes the series finale and there are no revelations. Zippo. Unless you count the “revelation” that the whole opera house vision was nothing more than a metaphor for the time that Hera would run away, Baltar and Captica Six would find her, and then stumble into a standoff, that wouldn’t exist if not for them carrying her into it.

Who’s Starbuck? We’re never told. Instead she mouths some nonsense about how glad she is that her journey is over. Who are the Baltar and Captica that they see in their visions? No answer either, except that they apparently work for some powerful deity.

In between all the flashbacks, which take up half the finale, to such compelling moments as Rosyln deciding not to sleep with a younger man and Adama deciding not to retire, and my eyes deciding to glaze over… there’s one thing that is pretty clear. And it’s that Ron Moore saw Return of the King and decided that it would be really great to end the episode 5 or 6 times. Classy.

Tell you what Ron, forget Caprica. I want to see you follow up the rest of this magnificent finale. Damn it, I want Battlestar Galactica Season 6.

I want to see Adama Jr crapping his pants with dysentery. I want to see the Cylon skinjobs and humans uniting in throwing used coffee cans at him because the drought means they have no food and they’re starving to death. I want to see Adama Sr, get sunstruck and wander around preaching his own religion while swilling imaginary booze. I want to see Chief sexually assaulting goats because he decided to spend the rest of his life on an island with no people on it. I want to see Saul and his slutty girlfriend living in a tree and smacking the hell out of each other because she keeps cheating on him with the natives.

And most of all I want to see a giant pile of bones, the remains of the human race on Earth, eaten by lions, killed by disease and common accidents, hunger, and of course by the friendly natives whose spears couldn’t possibly be used for violence. And then I want to see the list of survivors standing at Zero.

Oh and if you could clear up how Eve, an African woman, is really an Aryan blond robot with a glowing spine, that would be cool too.



18 Comments leave one →
  1. Robert Kabwe permalink
    March 22, 2009 7:11 am

    Astute and very funny commentary:)

  2. kayarrhea permalink
    March 22, 2009 9:15 am

    WORD! Awesome, awesome, awesome. I agree. Though Apollo’s downfall will most likely be bird flu after he bones a Starbuck pigeon.

  3. drnormalblog permalink*
    March 22, 2009 2:37 pm

    With Apollo it would be a moral struggle between eating the pigeons or boning them. After he eats enough of them to get fat again, he’ll probably stick to boning them.

  4. April 24, 2009 9:16 am

    Well written. Perhaps the most concise analysis of why Ron Moore needs a good ol’ fashioned bear mauling.

    Also, let’s not forget the implausibility that once stripped of their civilization and the full magnitude of their retardation begins to set in, people will still continue to resist the re-introduction of technology:

    “You know, I know about farming.”

    “Don’t let your technology race ahead of your heart! We should probably respect the evolutionary time line of the locals and stick to a hunter-gatherer lifestyle. I know you’re really feeling like it would be a good idea to build shelter right now, resist that urge.”

    “The urge to survive?”


    “Oh. Good point.”

    *all involved in shit pants with Cholera and die, since they have absolutely no attained immunity to the local flora & fauna*

    The End

    • drnormalblog permalink*
      April 24, 2009 3:25 pm

      And even if they dump all their technology, they’ll still introduce techniques and ideas that would be a major jumpstart for the primitives. Take the concept of Zero alone. Something that’s second nature to most people today, but would be new and unique then. Not to mention the whole numbers system, unless they’re all supposed to start counting on their fingers.

      It does go to show how damn stupid Ron Moore’s whole BSG vision was. He never thought even the basic things through and delivered an ending that crapped over anyone with an IQ above… zero.

  5. May 10, 2009 5:18 am

    Never watched much of bsg. But lo and behold more of this japenese style technophobia as the ultimate point to 4 “frakkin” seasons of peoples time. Glad I mostly avoided this revision. Last episode angered me with its pretentious ideological crap as well. Glad I’m not alone.

  6. omally permalink
    May 13, 2009 7:01 pm

    intresting……lets not forget the point of bsg…..its fiction. so why does it HAVE to be historically correct. I enjoyed the whole “frackin” show, but yes i admit the final episode was dissapointing. im just glad it was killed off before it turned into another Lost where the writers no longer had a clue what was going on. id still watch bsg from start to finish

    • Ben turner permalink
      May 7, 2011 2:14 pm

      If you think The writers of lost didnt know where they were going you didnt pay any attention, in the lost pilot episode for example locke talks about “2 sides…one is light… is dark” speaking of backgammon, a game where when you win you get the reward of the afterlife, what happened in the end??? EXACTLY

  7. drnormalblog permalink*
    May 14, 2009 6:22 am

    BSG isn’t taking place in history, it doesn’t have to be correct. It just has to exist in a believable universe.

    If I make up a SciFi story where people have airplanes, but still haven’t invented the wheel… my SF story makes no sense. Similarly BSG makes no sense.

    I’m glad it’s over too though, at least I never have to hear anything about the final five again.

  8. Steven permalink
    August 5, 2009 6:38 am

    I’m a big fan of Science Fiction (not crap like Farscape and Stargate), and I think BSG is the most well made and thought out Sci Fi series ever created, for many reasons. I absolutely loved the finale.

    I’m not going to spend time arguing and debating, I could tear this review apart if I wanted too.

    I’m just curious as to what someone with this opinion on BSG classes as good Science Fiction.

    • pDemo permalink
      August 9, 2009 2:05 am

      Stargate was crap, but at least it was sience fiction and was heading toward science and not god like this one does. This is just fiction.
      Besides, what do you make of:

      XO: Oh frack. I need a drink!
      Doctor: Here…, the next best thing. (…offering him a sigarette)
      Nurse: You are both smoking near a pregnant woman!!!
      XO&Doctor: She’ll live!!!


    • Modred permalink
      November 3, 2010 5:41 pm

      Steven, the fact that you call Farscape, which was one of the best SF shows around “crap” explains a lot. You see, there are two kinds of stories: plot-driven stories and character-driven stories. Farscape was a plot-driven story but nevertheless had well-developed characters. BSG was a character-driven story with next to no plot.

      You, like all the people who actually liked the BSG finale, enjoy character-driven stories. You watch the show because you want to know what happens to the characters, how their issues are resolved. And the BSG finale does that, especially well with Adama and Roslyn.

      Conversely, people like me, who prefer plot-driven stories, focus on resolution of the overall plot. And we were horribly let down. “God did it” is all that Ron Moore could come up with. Alternatively, he’d say things like “Starbuck is whatever you want her to be”. That’s like Agatha Christie ending one of her murder mysteries by saying: “The murderer is whoever you want it to be.”

      The only problem with all of this is that SF has traditionally been plot-driven, so many people got interested in BSG, expecting it to be like that, only to be let down.

  9. Kevin permalink
    September 11, 2009 5:50 am

    I’m inclined to agree with Steven, here… I would love to know what makes a good Sci-Fi television series, besides the classic Star Trek: The Next Generation?

    This was possibly the best sci-fi series, besides what I previously mentioned, that has ever been pieced together. Sure, there are moments where you feel like you’re being strung along, but that’s to be expected in any series.

    I say well done to Ron Moore; he did an absolutely stunning job with the series. The character development was breathtaking (akin to ST), the cgi wasn’t cheesy, the story was deep and rich, and could have been carried further.

    The finale (if watched simultaneously as one giant episode/movie) was fantastic. There’s nothing horrible about it, and it made you think/question.

    • drnormalblog permalink*
      October 16, 2009 3:02 am

      If you think ST TNG was the great SF television ever, you’ve got bigger problems than just this. But seriously a stunning job? None of the character development mattered a damn, and none of it made any sense. Even Starbuck has no idea what the hell she is. And then everyone decides to wander off on a planet and die slowly.

      How can you even defend that?

      • Xent permalink
        October 16, 2009 8:55 am

        Mr. Olson mentioned earlier something that might be interesting for U. That he has a new script for what happened AFTER they landed on Earth 2 or whatever its called. And it starts with Sol saying to Adama: “Shit we have a problem!”. Lets just wait for that awesome start to see who was eaten by a lion and who died from what desease. So pls stop creating theories on what happened next. Just wait for it:)

  10. Xent permalink
    October 14, 2009 9:39 pm

    I found that ending pretty awesome. Yes there were several details that surprised me as well but in general BSG is the bestest scifi series i`ve ever seen. Well made and well thought no doubt. Is there anything better than BSG? I dont think so. Not atm at least. Kids like StarTrek and Babylon 5 smoke nervously in the corridor. Don`t like the finale? Well what can i say. Shit happens! Sad to hear ur expectations didnt meet the reality. Better luck next time!

    • drnormalblog permalink*
      October 16, 2009 3:02 am

      There is no next time. Unless you expect Caprica to become popular.

      • Xent permalink
        October 16, 2009 9:04 am

        I always expect good things to happen. So im gonna give that Caprica a chance even though its a soap opera! Uh oh.

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