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Die Steve Martin, Die… and take Pink Panther with you

February 9, 2009

And no, I’m not speaking German.

It’s hard to pin down exactly when Steve Martin stopped being funny. Probably it was around the time when people stopped paying attention to Steve Martin, especially when he insisted on telling us all about that 20 something shopgirl slash art student he porked, but then couldn’t hold on to.

So we let inexcusable crapulence like Father of the Bride and Father of the Bride 2 or Cheaper by the Dozen, and Cheaper by the Dozen 2, Sgt Bilko, Mixed Nuts, The Out of Towners and all the rest of the cinematic oeuvre that Steve Martin farted down on us from his bidet in the clouds. Hell everyone’s gotta make a buck, and some of us still remembered The Jerk, Roxanne and The Man with Two Brains. Or even the fairly weak My Blue Heaven. In other words we remembered when Steve Martin used to be funny, even if he didn’t remember it himself anymore.

But then Steve Martin didn’t just remake another comedy into a fantastic turd. He remade The Pink Panther. And he turned it into a fantastic turd. And then he went too far. Twice.

The wild and crazy guy was just a douchebag now, who had no problem grabbing a great comedy classic he was completely miscast for and turning in a performance that would have made even Chevy Chase groan. If Saturday Night Live had any integrity, Steve Martin would have been subjected to the same kind of opening that Sylvester Stallone was, and forced to apologize for the crap he had shoveled on us for over a decade. Except that nothing Stallone did could be considered a crime against cinema in the way that remaking Pink Panther was.

Well Karma finally kicked in, and the Pink Panther remakes are once again dead. The curse of Peter Sellers may be slow in coming, but when it strikes you, you better run for it.

The Pink Panther 2 opened in 3243 theaters, more than any other movie in the Top 10, and tanked at Number 4 with only 12 million dollars finishing only slightly ahead of Paul Blart Mall Cop with 11 million, even though the crappy Kevin James movie was in a 100 theaters less and in its 4th week of release.

That’s what you get Steve, after a decade of crapping on the American public. Now the American public finally crapped on you. And getting bitchslapped by Kevin James in a bad Die Hard parody that made 5 times what your movie will make is just deserts.

Now Steve Martin’s Reign of Crap isn’t over by any means. And nothing will stop him from jumping on the remake bandwagon with another family comedy series from Disney or something just as bad. But this was Major Fail, and nothing can change that. Howard Zwart will go on to fart on the American public with the Will Smith is Pushing his Son’s Career’s Karate Kid remake, with Jackie Chan as Mr. Miyagi. Unless maybe Steve Martin can push aside Jackie Chan, put on a bad fake Chinese accent and scrunch his eyes together, and take the part.

But Pink Panther 2 was bad. It failed at the box office. It earned a rotten tomatoes score of 13, which means it’s a movie that only Peter Travers could like. It probably won’t lose money from the studio when all is done, but maybe it’s going to be a wake up call for Steve Martin. You can’t outcrap Paul Blart Mall Cop, so maybe try and go back to making a good comedy for a change?

4 Comments leave one →
  1. dude permalink
    January 19, 2010 4:17 am hit the nail on the head, although Mixed Nuts wasn’t that bad.

  2. Joe Rossi of RPdata permalink
    May 24, 2010 3:01 am

    How could Steve Martin evere imagine he could fill the shoes of Peter Sellers?

  3. Zippo permalink
    June 7, 2010 11:16 am

    Do you remember Marcel?

  4. hobohemian permalink
    December 30, 2011 12:45 am

    Can’t…actually…offhand…er, think when Steve Martin WAS funny. The original Sellers Panther films were over-rated garbage too.

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